Advance Peace
by Foulds
Summary: Hawke and his evil counterparts have been planning for the third invasion for years. With the Black Hole army finally ready to invade once more, what could possibly go wrong?


_Disclaimer; I don't own Advance Wars_

"Ok, everyone settle down now please"

Hawke stood in the middle of the meeting room looking as close to flustered as he could with a single facial expression available to him. Adder was staring at a mirror quietly reciting 'no you're more gorgeous… no you're more gorgeous'. Flak and Lash were arguing over the merits of smashing relative to strategy. Hawke sighed. If only he had allowed Sturm to make his foreboding adjustments before seizing power.

The Black Hole COs were sitting in a black meeting room on black seats, all wearing black like good colour coded stereotypically gothic villains. Advance Wars' sledgehammer of dark symbolism strikes again. Hawke, deciding against making a pointless statement containing meaningless imagery and foreshadowing, continued,

"Right, you all know why we're here"

"I don't" replied Flak

"Fine. We are here to try to find out what went wrong with the last invasion and how we can improve it" Hawke pulled a piece of paper and a pen from his coat, "Anybody got anything to suggest?"

"Maybe we could be less confident next time" suggested Adder, "I mean, we kept boasting how we had perfect plans and would never be defeated and so forth, but we didn't actually win a single battle"

"That's good" replied Hawke, "Anybody else?"

"Flak doesn't get air units anymore" giggled Lash

"In fact, the next time we give Flak a mission, we change our minds and let me deal with it instead" Adder commented

"Good, so far we have during the next invasion, Flak makes the tea. Ok, I've got one, next time we don't tell the enemy where the ultimate weapon of mass destruction is until we've actually finished building it"

"How about, just for once, we send our airforce into an area where the enemy doesn't have any anti aircraft weaponry?" suggested Lash

"We should smash more!" declared Flak

"How about we paint the pipe seams and the doors to the Black Cannons so the enemy can't aim at them?" suggested Adder

"Next time we use an exploding dummy, we make it powerful enough to kill someone when they only realise it's a trap with one second left" added Lash

"Good" declared Hawke, "Now we're truly ready to invade again. Lash, have you got any new weapons that won't withstand a single hit from Eagle's bombers?"

"Yep. I've developed an infantry cannon. Following rather extensive testing, I've determined that we can mobilise infantry units twenty times faster by blasting them out of a cannon from Black Hole straight into enemy territory"

"What's the survival rate?" asked Hawke

"Twenty percent, but I have a plan to combat that"

"Which is?"

"We fire five times as many infantry as we think we'll need"

"Why not? If it goes horribly wrong then we'll get beaten, run away, regroup and come back later in the fourth game. So, now that we are ready to begin our needlessly over confident campaign to conquer the world, are there any questions?"

"I got one" said Flak

"What is it Flak?"

"Why?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why are we invading again? We got beat last time. So why are we invading?"

"Are there any serious questions?"

"No, really, why invade?"

"Well… It's obvious… what else would Black Hole do? We're the dark evil bad guys who torture soldiers. We refer to units as pieces and laser cannons as delicious"

"Well, we could make peace"

"What would be the point of that?"

"Cos then we could get jobs and make people happy and stuff. We could smash our own stuff instead of other people's stuff"

The COs were silent for a minute. Hawke looked up,

"My God, Flak's right! Quickly, cancel the invasion! Send the infantry home! Find the receipts for the stupid new units and get a refund! Paint all the tanks nice bright colours! Cancel the auditions for the new original ultimate foreboding bad guy! And send a bouquet of flowers to all the COs! Come now, my dear friends, let's go clothes shopping!"

* * *

Well, this is a surprise. Sorry, but I thought of this and suddenly just had to write it! I'm not intentionally stealing the Black Hole Bunch's idea, as this will focus on all the nations equally. It won't really have a story at all. Just whenever I think of something amusing, I can air it here. If you liked this story, don't review. Instead you can thank me by going straight to Soaring too close to the Sun and reviewing that. That would make me happier. Or, if you want to make me really happy, review both stories.

All the best, Jon Foulds


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